I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
