It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
