Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
