worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
