What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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