I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
