You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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