I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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