Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
