I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
