Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
