Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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