i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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