Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
