On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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