this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I will be naked everywhere
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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