Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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