I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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