I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Randomize
