Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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