You work out of a Hotel?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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