There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
