But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
