Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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