You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
