just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
