last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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