I accidentally had phone sex last night
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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