Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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