I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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