I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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