I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
