I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
