the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
