Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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