the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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