i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
