i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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