I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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