You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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