I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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