They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
