I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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