Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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