So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My liver just broke up with me...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
