Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
