I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
