every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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