Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
