Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
