Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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